That’s right folks, wearing contacts is bullshit. There are many people out there who have less than perfect vision - myself included. But many people these days prefer to wear contact lenses over actual glasses. Sure, some people may need contacts if they work in situations where glasses would easily fall off, but let’s face it - most people wear contacts in order to hide the fact that their vision is not as good as they would like it to be. This is merely proof that their confidence in themselves is just as bad as their eyesight. What I mean is that glasses are not just for nerds and old people, but can too make people look badass. It doesn’t even have anything to do with the style of the glasses being worn. Take a look at the famous business card scene in the movie “American Psycho”. Does Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) look nerdy, old or stupid? No, he looks like a really pretentious asshole! Besides, no one wears Steve Urkel glasses anymore except for certain creepy people. So it really is all about how you present yourself, not what you have or don’t have on your face.

Next let’s take a look at how contacts actually work. Obviously people take the contacts and pop them on to their eyes. But for the uninformed, it works as follows - you first put your contacts into a cleaning fluid that performs the task of disinfecting the things for human use. Only then do you put them on while trying your best not to squish them with your eyelids. Here’s the scary part - you have to take them off every few days depending on what kind of contacts you have to avoid having them cake up on your eyes. Repeat the process. And let us not ignore the fact that you put yourself at risk of getting a ton of different problems. So I ask you contact lens wearing people… is it worth all the effort just to make you look like your eyes still work as good as when you were a kid? Is it worth the trouble when you can just as well take off your glasses when you are talking to that special someone at the party? (Not to mention more people think glasses are attractive than you may think.) Is it worth all the trouble when the most it will do for you is let you cheat at the RMV eye test? Ok, maybe that last bit might be worth it, but you get my point.

Thanks to the wonders of modern technology however, we have an alternative - if you have money. Laser corrective surgery, also known as LASIK, can rid you of the need to wear glasses or contacts completely. The problem with this procedure however is that the chances of messing up your eyes are equal or greater than with contact lenses, not to mention that the technology is far from mature. Another option that some people have is to get lens implants, but like LASIK this is a surgical process and carries a similar set of serious risks. While I would have loved to have this paragraph solve all problems with modern procedures, it is clearly too early to do so, and so traditional glasses remain the only safe way to see properly.

All that said and as I previously mentioned, there are legitimate uses for contacts. Some people are better off with wearing contacts than glasses in order to not lose anything but the dangers are still there - I’ve seen my friends lose there contacts quite a few times because they do tend to fall off in some situations. Another great time to use contacts is when trying to get your eyes to look like those of your favorite comic book character(s), but those times are limited and not everyone reads comic books. So I come to the conclusion that, for the most part, wearing contact lenses is bullshit and whoever does it is telling a god damn lie about him or herself.

Note: This article was written in a time when contact lenses served no purpose other than to refract light in a certain way. I am aware that it does not take into consideration any future technologies such as them having integrated circuits and HUDs. Such products are not expected to be commercialized anytime soon and may be superceded by synthetic eyes before they do.

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